Why the IPad Has Inspired Me to Give Up My Toaster, My Coffeemaker, My Pants
Why the IPad Has Inspired Me to Give Up My Toaster, My  Coffeemaker, My Pants
   				Want to Be a Pathetic, Passive, Compliant Consumer? There's an  App for That
   				  				by 
Simon Dumenco   				
 				Published: April 12, 2010  				
  
  I feel like such an idiot. Here I thought I understood consumer  satisfaction -- especially my own consumer satisfaction -- but I was  wrong.  
 It all started with the iPad. On April 3, I bought one and fell in love  with it. Or thought I fell in love with it.  
 Among the iPad's cruel seductions: It's  incredibly easy to use. The  10-plus-hour battery life and the fact that there's no boot-up lag from  its idle mode make a huge difference.  And though it's primarily a  media-consumption device (as advertised), I've had no trouble sending  the same sort of basic content out of my iPad (e.g., e-mails, tweets and  documents) that I pump out of my lumpen laptop.  
 But it turns out I was duped. Last week, iPad in hand, I got around to  reading an essay by Boing Boing's Cory Doctorow titled 
"Why I Won't Buy An iPad (and Think You  Shouldn't, Either)," which was actually published the day before the  iPad's release. Doctorow, in slamming the iPad's "infantilizing  hardware" and tightly controlled apps ecosystem, wrote that "The model  of interaction with the iPad is to be a 'consumer,' what William Gibson  memorably described as 'something the size of a baby hippo, the color of  a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a  double-wide. ...  It's covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The  sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth ... no  genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and  infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote.'"  
 Doctorow's anti-iPad manifesto was a throwing down of the gauntlet --  which plenty of other media types have since picked up. Like Jeff  "BuzzMachine" Jarvis, who, in a Business Insider post titled 
"I'm Really Worried  About What Apple Is Trying To Do With The iPad," wrote, "I see  danger in moving from the web to apps. The iPad is retrograde. It tries  to turn us back into an audience again." And he hates that the iPad has  no USB ports. (To get stuff in or out of an iPad, you have to do it  wirelessly or via cable.)  
 Reading more and more criticism of the iPad, tears began to drip out of  my eyes. I looked around my double-wide (OK, actually my fifth-floor  walk-up in Manhattan's East Village) with disgust -- mostly directed at  myself. What a pathetic, passive, compliant consumer I've become! Like,  over there, in the kitchen: my incredibly easy-to-use Senseo  coffeemaker, which I thought I loved. But it only accepts certain kinds  of coffee pods. How devious! And my sleek Braun toaster: Sure, it can  accommodate sliced bread and bagels, but could I cook a pot roast with  it? No! Does it have a camera? No!   
 I knew I would have to continue inventorying all the other sad little  self-defeating choices I've made as a consumer, but I was so filled with  rage that I resolved to first get my toaster and coffeemaker out of my  life immediately. So, with the intent of bringing them, along with my  iPad, down to the trash, I reached to pull some clothes onto my  dickless, boiled-potato body. But then, jeans in hand, it struck me:  only two ports for limbs! How ridiculously limiting!  
 Death to Levi's! Death to Senseo! Death to Braun! Death to Apple!  
 And don't get me started on the whole indoor-plumbing racket, what with  those fixed pipe sizes and condescendingly simple handles and faucets  and such.  
 Death to Kohler, too!
   ~ ~ ~ 
Simon Dumenco is the "Media Guy" media columnist for Advertising  Age. You can follow him on Twitter 
@simondumenco.  The latest Ad Age Insights white paper -- "Dumenco's State of the Media  Report: From Social Media to Search, Print, Broadcast and Beyond, Where  Ad-Supported Media Stands Now and Where It's Going" -- is available 
right here.