The Apple board, meeting behind closed doors Sunday night, voted to oust Tim Cook as CEO. In his place, former Apple CEO Gil Amelio was voted in as interim lifetime CEO. “I am so glad to be back at the helm of this ship that is Apple,” Amelio proclaimed. “We’ll be placing this ship in dry dock and reinventing its wheels.” The board had no comment on its decision, only to issue the formal written statement that it has nothing to do with the recent Papal visit to Cupertino.
Amelio went on to further state that, “Cook will maintain an advisory position with Apple with the new title as Captain.” The Captain could not be reached for immediate comment as he was preparing Amelio’s French-pressed coffee with cream and sugar. However, an intern reported that Cook had already been severely reprimanded. Apparently Cook returned it with Sweet and Low and not Splenda. To which Amelio told Cook, very Kevin Spacingly; “If you can’t follow simple instructions, how can you be trusted with smaller decisions?”
Sweeping Product Line Shift
Extending the nautical metaphor Amelio announced a sweeping shift in its pursuit of dominating the underlying digital technology and circumnavigating back to the company’s analog roots. Gill was heard saying; “We started with analog, right?”
iTunes Store shelved in favor of the iBrick and iMotor Store
To this end, Gil announced plans to shut down the iTunes Store. “As soon as we finish selling out all the digital inventory in our warehouses, we’ll move to our new franchised line of iBrick and iMotor stores.”
The new product line includes:
Apple Hangs up iPhone in favor of the iRotary Landlines
- i45’s analog disks
- i33’s analog laser disks
- i78’s floppy albums
The next step to the conveyor chopping block holds the entire iPhone product line. “The iPhone is simply a flash in the pan. You know, like what happened to CB radios?”. Filling the void left by the iPhone is Apple’s new iRotary Landline phones. “Not only will this open up new markets, but it will leverage the existing analog infrastructure – until we need more bandwidth to stream analog music, movies and television.
Wall Street announced late Sunday that in a move for financial diversification Monday Apple (AAPL.PK) will broaden its exchange offerings by being listed on the Pink Sheets.
- Erick Garske,
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